A Big Thanks

The last few days have been pretty uneventful. I have spent much time on my couch resting with tummy troubles. Writing a post about that is so not interesting and I think this may be the last post of 2011. So, I have decided to write this post about something else much more meaningful. I dedicate today's post to everyone who supports me in my fight. First I would like to acknowledge my mom and my grandy and poppy. They do so much for me. I also want to thank my dad,my sisters, and my friends for being so patient and supportive with me. Next I want to say Thanks to everyone who sends me uplifting messages. Those kind words I read really make a big difference to me. They really keep me going and remind me that I am not in this alone. Thanks everyone for the kind messages. I want to give a special thanks to those who donated to my fundraiser. Especially Helene and Marc Saperstein, Debbie Meany Janusee, Laura Coppola, Debbie Michelle and Chrissy Baccellieri. I Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your generous donations. I love you and can't thank everyone enough. I am really thankful to have such a wonderful support base. I hope everyone has a wonderful healthy new year. Let's make 2012 a great year.

todays post

The holidays went by so quickly.  I cant believe it. I hope everyone had a nice holiday. I enjoyed Christmas with my family at my grandparents house. It was nice even though I slept through a lot of it. For the last few days I havent been feeling so well. I have been feeling very tired and weak. I am happy that I am off from school. I really need the time off. I think the time off would do me some good mentally. I hope I can do something over break and not just sleep away the time. I tend to do that sometimes because being asleep is easier than being awake. Although the pain is still there when I sleep, its nice to not have to deal with it. Consciously at least. The downside is Id spend so much time sleeping that time seems to just pass me by. Time that you can never get back. I cant wait until I am out of pain so I can enjoy my time awake instead of dreading it.

My letter to Santa Claus

I know this is a little late but like many others, I have been too caught up in the holiday hecticness to write my  letter to Santa. So here it goes.
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Dear Santa,
It is that time of year again where kids send you their Christmas requests. Although I am no longer a child at the age of 19 years. But I hope you will listen anyway. There is only one thing I want for Christmas this year. It is not the latest ipod, nor expensive clothing or jewlery. The only thing I want is my health back. I have been sick for so long. It has affected not only me but everyone who cares about me. It makes me so sad to see them so hurt and helpless. I want to feel what it is like to not be in pain and how it feels to walk on my own. I want to see my family cry tears of joy when they see me instead of the tears of sorrow they cry when they see my suffering. That present would be better than anything I could unwrap. So please Santa grant my Christmas wish.
Love,
Alyssa 

Final Stretch

I am in the final stretch of finals. Thank God. I have been working hard studying this whole semester and am so ready to just chill. Though the chillin wont last too long because over break I need to start preparing for the new semester. I am a bit anxious about next semester because I need to take my math class. For those of you who dont know. Heres a math equation that can explain why. Math + Lyme = :( . Lyme makes things all jumbley in my head. Lyme makes it more difficult to think clearly. Most in the Lyme community know it as Lyme fog. Very unpleasant. But no matter what I will definately do my best to get through it. I will not worry myself too much though, because that never does anyone any good. Plus, I dont want next semester to ruin my break. Tomorrow is my last final. It is computers. Overall I dont think I did too poorly on them. To me the only thing that is important is passing. If the saying what you put into things is what you get out is true then I should atleast pass. I guess we shall see.

Everyday is Halloween

As a child you at somepoint wish that everyday was Halloween. You get to dress up as you please, get free candy, and wear cool masks. For lyme sufferers, everyday is Halloween. Not in literal sense obviously, but in the way that when you are living with lyme you are always wearing a mask. It really sucks how when you are around people you have to hide how you are really feeling on the inside. From my experience with the illness and talking to others about their experiences, I have concluded that when we go out we feel obligated to pretend to feel fine around others. Most people with Lyme don't look sick but are suffering greatly on the inside. So if we act like how we feel, people dismiss us as drama queens or attention seekers. Therefore, we kinda just suck it up, put on the mask and parade around the streets like nothing is wrong. When someone asks us how are you? we respond good or fine just to avoid having to explain how we are really feeling and then get the looks of disbelief. It gets eshausting to pretend all the time. But, after so many years of suffering, you kinda get used to it i guess. It's better than having to justify how crappy you are feeling.

I dont even know what to call this...........

I have spent the weekend home and am having a difficult time going back to school. I am so ready for break its not even funny. I am feeling under the weather adding to the wanting to stay home feeling. I still havent gone christmas shopping. I feel so blah. I just wanna be able to lay out with my dog and not worry about anything. I always put so much stress on myself. It cant be healthy. On the flip side it is what keeps me motivated. When i feel the pressure I cant just sit around. It makes me get off my ass and study or do what I need to be done. That would be great if I didnt feel so shitty and need to just rest for a while. Its a contant inner conflict.

Home

After such a crazy day I am glad to be home. Especially to see my dog Skutch. The doctors visit didnt go as good as I expected. The doctor wanted me to ween down on my pain meds. The same pain meds that gave me the ability to get off the couch and go to school. I dread even thinking about being off of them and back on the couch in agony. I convinced him to keep me on them for atleast this month. Its such a shame that a few drug seeking patients ruin it for those who really need it. Anyway, it is nice to be home for the weekend and having a bit of time away from all the craziness of finals week. Tonight I had a nice time out with my friend and my mom. We went out for pizza and then walked around a store for a while. It was good.

Crazy Day

Yesterday I discovered when my teacher said final on Thurday she meant Thursday as in today not next Thursday. FML! I had to spend all night cramming for it and wake up early to take it. Not Fun. So I go to my class to take the final and it was not as hard as I expected it to be. That would be great if I havent spent the previous 12 hours totally freaking out. So now that this final is over, I only have to worry about 4 more. Atleast I got more than a day to prepare. Lesson learned. Never assume anything.

I have an appointment later with my pain doctor. Nothing spectacularly out of the ordinary. I hope he can tell me something to make the pain stop or atleast lessen a bit. I hope so. I guess we will see.

Meh

Feelin like crap today. The rain outside doesnt do much for the spirits either. My throat and lungs feels kinda tight and i feel very lethargic. Meh. A lot of people at my school are sick and supposidly there is pneumonia goin around. super meh. If I get that im skrewed. My roommate and suitemate are sick. Luckily my roommate isn't as bad as my suitemate is. Thank god for clorox and hand sanitizer. I dunno what i would do with out em. Its an overall meh kinda day.

Friends

Physically, today was not one of my better days. My good friend the weather decided to change drastically again. However, noone around me would have been able to guess that. Even though I was feeling quite crappy, pain with a side of nausea, I tried to keep myself in a content mood. I learned that if you start dwelling about how bad things are for you, things will only be worse. It is really important to remember no matter how crappy you may feel, you can get through it. Whether it be something small like passing a quiz or something major like fighting an illness, if you keep it in your head that you will be able to get through, then you will. It is also important to remember that you always have someone there cheering you on.  Your friends, your family, your school, even your community. That is one huge thing that keeps me fighting. On the days where i just wanna throw in the towel I talk to my friends or family and then I realize all the support I have. I have support at school, home, my community, and even across the atlantic ocean. I really don't know where I would be without them.They are the ones who keep me going everyday. It strange because I always get all the credit for fighting. I don't deserve it because the truth its.. it is my loved ones who are fighting the fight. They lift my spirits, keep me motivated, and help me with whatever I can not do on my own. Hell, I know if I had a doctors appointment in China tomorrow my supporters would be by my side. That's what really matters in life. Unfortunately, it takes hardship for you to see who your real friends are in life. When the storm comes your real friends will stand by your side and help you fight through it. Not desert you for their own gain. That is not a real friend. I do not care how popular they may be or who they are. If they leave you when you need them, they are not a true friend.
I wrote this post in dedication to all of those who have been right here at my side fighting Lyme. Thanks guys I love you all!

December

It is December and many people are preparing for the holiday season..My family and friends ask me often what I want for Christmas. I always tell them the same thing as I have for the past 5 years. I want to feel better. In reality I know that is a stupid thing to say because there is no magic buton they can press or pill they can give me to instantly stop my suffering. But, I say it anyway because in my messed up logic I figure maybe if I repeat it enough I will feel better. Anyway I encourage everyone to donate during this season to a cause that matters to them. Whether it be an animal charity, those less fortunate, or even Lyme disease causes. Most other causes get a lot of publicity and Lyme disease causes are left hidden. Those suffering with Lyme would really appreciate the kindness. Personally, in the spirit of the holidays I have donated to a number of organizations such as the local food bank, toys for tots, and of course some Lyme disease charities.Another thing to remember especially during this time of year is spread the kindness.Take for example my post "a little kindness..." those people who stopped and took just a small fraction of time out of their day to help me. It made a worlds of difference. It wouldnt kill anyone to hold the door open for someone, or ask someone how they are and genuinley care, or help someone with a disability open a door or anything else small like that. It would be so appreciated by the people on the recieving end. Plus it feels really good to make the difference.
...Today it was an emotionally exhausting day for me. It was one of those days where I just felt tired of suffering. Luckily, I have many good friends that cheered my up. I really appreciate that. It made a worlds of difference to know I have a team of people supporting me. I have many friends in Sweden and even though they are an ocean away they too really lifted my mood. Tack så mycket =) This brings me back to my earlier point. If someone looks like they are having a bad day, take the time out to cheer them up. Especially during this time of year. Thanks for reading.

**** It would be really appreciated if you post something kind you did for someone else in the comments for this post.*****

But you don't look sick.....

This statement is one of the ones that urk me the most. So much so that I have decided to dedicate a post to it. I understand sometimes people mean it to be genuinely supportive and for those people I will say thank you but that is not the right statement to say. Especially to a Lyme sufferer. That is a phrase we commonly hear from medical professionals who don't believe how much we are really suffering. Therefore, when we hear that from anyone else, we rightfully draw the conclusion that you do not believe that we are really suffering. One of the parts of Lyme disease that makes it worse than some other conditions is sufferers usually look "normal". Despite the "normal" appearance on the outside, your inside is being invaded and attacked. It makes you feel levels of terrible that you can not even imagine. It is extemely irrating to hear that comment also because it makes the sufferer feel like you do not take them seriously. Ever heard never judge a book by its cover. Usually that saying is geared toward something that looks not so pleasant on the outside being quite nice on the inside. But in the case of Lyme disease, that phrase is applied oppositely. It's bad enough we feel we need to justify ourselves to medical professionals for help, we dont want to have to justify our suffering to our friends too. Next time you are looking for something to say to a Lyme sufferer. Say I am here for you.